Date & Dish

I met with the Student tonight. It went about as well as it could go, I guess. I hadn’t seen him in nearly two weeks, so there was plenty of time to kind of avoid him, I guess. We met at a café and chatted for a bit, making the obligatory smalltalk until I said, “I actually wanted to talk to you about something.” He said he was a smart guy and he figured as much. I told him that I had been doing some thinking, and I think we should just be friends. I said I thought he was awesome (true) but that I didn’t think we should continue to see each other in “that way.”

He said he had kinda gotten that from me. He basically asked why, and I said something about not thinkiing we were in the same place or on the same page about things, and not thinking we would be, and anticipating that it would wind up being bad news at some point. He proceeded to tell me that he had been trying to pull back his relationship thoughts (he didn’t explicitly say it that way, but I know that’s what he meant) since he had been getting that vibe from what I said and the way I behaved with him. He asked if I thought we could just go out (as in date), and I said no, I didn’t think that would be a good idea. I told him I was open to remaining friends with him, but that I would leave it up to him to determine if he wanted to go there with me or not. I would totally understand whatever he decided to do. He said he doesn’t like me any less, and he would like to be friends. So we’ll see what happens.

I’m just glad it’s done. It was a tough conversation, but it had to happen.

I am realizing that I do know what’s right for me — and what’s not right. I want to be happy, and if something is not making me happy, I have the power to change it, you know?

In other news, German guy and I are somewhat friends now. He was my last-ditch-I’m-totally-desperate date to a wedding a few weeks ago, and it was fine. I actually ended up giving him love advice, telling him not to be a wuss and to follow his heart with his ex. I dropped off the favor he forgot in my car the other night at his place, and he was getting ready to go see her. He’s going to try to work things out with her. I truly do hope things work out the way he wants them to, because I know now that as intense as our connection was and as right as it felt like it could have been, I do not want to be with someone who was obviously so recently confused about his emotions what he wanted that he could be so involved with me while still undecided about his ex. Hey, we call go through crap like that, and we all have various issues that we’re dealing with at some point or another. But I know that I do not need that in my life.

So HH and I finally got together the other night. We met for dinner and went to a coffeeshop to chat. It was fine. It felt like catching up with an old work friend or something. My friends think he’s gay…I can’t tell if he’s gay, really shy, or just not interested in me in that way. Whatever…he’s cool and I’m fine with just hanging out with him. We ended the evening with our usual hug. He sent me an e-mail the next day and asked if I wanted to meet him at a social for a group we had both independently become interested in. I said sure, I’d meet him there, so I guess I’ll see him again this week. It’s always nice to make a new friend, in my opinion.

I do have a date with someone new this week. I’ll call him Data guy, because he does something with personal data…I can’t remember exactly what, to be honest. We first started communicating several months ago when I first got back into online dating. I contacted him again, and we’ve been chatting for a few weeks and trying to deal with various conflicts in our schedules. I think we’re finally going to make it happen in a few days. He seems cool, so we’ll see how it goes. To say that my expectations are low would be incorrect. I truly do not have any expectations. It would be nice to like him, of course…even better if he likes me too. But I’ve been on enough first dates to know that it may or may not go that way. And I’m okay with that.

I would much rather be alone and go through all this than to be unhappy with someone, or to settle, or whatever.

(Aside: I’m sitting in a café, and a young man just walked by on a cellphone, speaking en français. Swoon.)

Okay…I think that about catches us up. I’m in contact with a few other folks on some of the online dating sites I’m on, and I’ve still got two “yes”s from the speed dating event to coordinate a date with. To be honest, I have been longing for a special someone a good bit lately, but I kind of feel like I have a greater appreciation for not having that in my life at this time.

To let the Student down tonight — someone who thinks I’m beautiful and amazing and intelligent and sexy and wonderful — wow…I think that says a lot about where I am right now. It just wasn’t right for me, and I was willing to say no to all that adulation in order to just be with me. Kind of like when I let German guy go.

Yes…it’s done. But I’m not.